grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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