ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
