make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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