Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
