Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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