Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm passing your future prison.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
