I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
