She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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