Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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