Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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