You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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