Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
