I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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