I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
