I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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