im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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