I smell stomach acid.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
