god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
