He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
