dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
