In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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