Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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