There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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