so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
