i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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