he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
