The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
