When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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