someone threw a dead crab at me
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
