you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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