Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
