So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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