You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
