it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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