I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
