were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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