Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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