Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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