nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
