Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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