I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The air was thick with penises
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
