First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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