Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
