is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
