guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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