Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
