i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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