i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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