dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
We named our party play list daddy issues
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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