I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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