You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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